My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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