when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
