I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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