I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
