HIV tests are more positive than that guy
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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