I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
