just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
