Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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