And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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