So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Someone signed my nipple.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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