Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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