Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
