Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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