well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
