Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
