In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
People in love make me want to vomit
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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