I could make wine with my vomit
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
