I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
