captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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