it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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