This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
