i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
My liver is preforming stress tests.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
