we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
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