Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
True but thats because hes a fetus.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
