She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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