Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
