sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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