its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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