YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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