I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
