they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
