Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
