Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
