Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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