I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
