oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize