I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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