Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
