Three words: puerto rican gang bang
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
