This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
