I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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