I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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