I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
you never un-have a 4some
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
