Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I woke up under a house in Key West
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