Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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