I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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