did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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