I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
