I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Houston, we have a squirter
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
