smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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