So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
being pregnant is like rehab
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
