Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Everyone says I win the strip club
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
