I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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