and next time when you feel me up, do it right
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
