I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
