I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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