I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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