well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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