note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
