How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
He passed out mid-signature
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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