shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
