everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
