Someone shit on the floor
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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