So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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