I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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