First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
