I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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