i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
